'Minions'

Recently, I've been slacking with film reviews. Either the films I've been seeing have been good enough to not need reviewing, or have been average enough that I have nothing to say. That is not the case with 'Minions'.

It's appropriate that the main villain in this story is called Scarlet Overkill, because overkill is the crime that 'Minions' is committing. Boasting of telling the back story behind the "cute" little yellow creatures from the 'Despicable Me' franchise, this film is quite obviously a case of cashing in while there is still a chance, and an audience dumb enough to pay to watch it.

Oh, and stupid enough we were. A whole group of eight of us, paying £9.80 each (when did the cinema become such a rip-off?!) to sit through 91 whole minutes of this unbearable rubbish. 

If you've seen the trailers for 'Minions', you've already watched the whole first section of the film, which just repeated what happened there in excruciating detail - but surprisingly this montage section of the film is definitely the best part. 

After the minions find themselves without a master they become depressed, nearly dying from their despair, but then Kevin - our stretchy necked hero - steps in, and decides to save their lives (more's to the pity). Travelling all the way to America, our three companions (the other two being Bob on the left and Stuart on the right) discover the international Villain Con, where they decide to go to find a new person to mindlessly follow.

Enter Scarlet Overkill. With the most ridiculous nose I've ever seen on an animated character, and an over-the-top, grate on the nerves personality to match, her introduction just shoved the film even further into the slush pile. It might (MIGHT) have been okay, if she'd been a strong independent woman and there could have been some moral about how women could aspire to rule the world, but with the introduction of her husband, Herb, she turned into a melted pile of slush that had me rolling my eyes and bashing my head repeatedly against the back of the cinema chair. 

It must get better, surely? There must be some redeeming qualities? 

That would be a humongous nope. If you've ever read one of my reviews before, you'll know that I try to see some positives in everything that I review, but when a film is as bad as this one it's completely impossible. The stereotypes were inserted in a throwaway, haphazard manner that made no sense (and were obviously there to appeal to the adults rather than the children, so why even bother?) - moments such as a French man seeming rather interested by boobs (which were actually another minion's eyes) and the police chasing after the minions while drinking tea (ooh, British stereotype, so hilarious). The only thing that made me actually laugh out loud was the scene with the queen's corgis, in which they're being rode to play croquet; I love dogs, so that was always going to be a winner for me. 

If you're a fan of 'Despicable Me', don't assume that fact will make you like 'Minions'; I really enjoyed the first film, but this was such a disastrous pile of drivel. I've never been more disappointed with an animated film.

It's been nearly twenty four hours, and I still just feel so confused. Why did they keep endlessly singing? I can't remember that ever being a thing in 'Despicable Me' (and if it was, it wasn't employed so irritatingly). Why did they keep screaming "kumbaya"?

And how did anyone allow this film to get created?